Fixing Her Eyes

Fixing Her Eyes

I have a woman's eyes

and they fix themselves on women's things

on boys

two boys, mine

I gaze at them in proud adoration

and often with an anxious mother guilt

on men

and their seeming effortlessness, their ability

to harness ambition without regret

on others

have I increased their happiness enough

do their eyes assess me as good

on myself

a face once young, that drew the gaze

now etched with the mixed results of living

on the mundane and the ephemeral

an antidote to overanalysis

and the overanalysis of my overanalysis

and then

now and then

I fix my eyes on Jesus

I have a woman's eyes

imperfect eyes

imperfectly fixed strabismus eyes

those eyes see Jesus

that vision clears away my diffidence,

my self-conscious inadequacy

will you listen to what I see?

___________

Megan Powell du Toit 2015 In alphabetical order, Megan du Toit is a daughter, friend, mother, pastor, teacher, twin and wife. These relationships and roles are central to her sense of self, all of the relationships informed by her relationship with God. She is currently doing a PhD in theology, and is wondering why she wasn't warned off by her experience of two previous honours theses (one in literature and another in theology). She longs to live a grace filled life and asks for your grace with her in her repeated failure. You could also call her fickle and unfocused in her pursuits but she would rather you call her a renaissance woman.